| FUNERALS AND MEMORIAL SERVICES | |
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There's probably a reason why you are reading these notes. For many people the first time they think about funerals is when a parent, partner, child, brother or sister has either just died or is confronting death. If, for any reason, you'd like to talk, PLEASE give me a call. Click the 'contact me' link above for email and telephone details. |
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A FEW EXAMPLES OF THE THINGS THAT WORRY PEOPLE AND HOW I MIGHT BE OF HELP ... |
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My parent/partner/brother/sister/child has just died very unexpectedly... |
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... the close family are all confused. We hear talk of a funeral, cremation, committal and memorial service. |
Don't be afraid to be confused. This is very understandable - most of us haven't had much experience of these things and at a time like this we're not thinking very clearly anyway. Draw on the experience and expertise of the funeral directors, if you are using them, but if you feel you want someone to listen to you more closely, give me a call. Memorial services take place a while after the body and soul of the deceased have gone on to the next stage in their journey. They may be held anywhere, can be created especially to suit your preferences, last as long as you feel is right, can include contributions from anyone that would like to be included, and can be as spiritual or not as you like. Memorials are particularly helpful when it would not be possible for everyone to attend the funeral, perhaps because of a wide circle of friends and well-wishers, when close family members live a long way away, or if the person is a young adult living away from home.
A funeral is usually held at a church, other place of worship, or at a crematorium. While most Faiths have a set format for their funeral service, there are no secular rules that say you must follow a particular format - an interfaith minister can help you create something specific to your needs, or something that you feel the deceased would have liked. Funerals are usually followed almost immediately by the cremation or committal. The only delay is the time it takes for those who attended the funeral to gather in the right place. For many people, the funeral and cremation run into one another. If so, there may be time limits on how long you can stay at the crematorium. If this isn't going to be long enough, we can discuss how to deal with it. A committal is the (usually) brief service held at the graveside as the coffin is lowered into it, or in the crematorium chapel when the minister commits the coffin for cremation. Again, while church burials will usually follow specific formats, those conducted elsewhere can be individually designed.
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... We never talked about their beliefs. I just don't feel they would have wanted something 'mainstream'. |
There's so much that goes unsaid, even within the closest of relationships. And there are some topics that are the hardest to talk about. But you probably do have a good idea of their likes and dislikes and that is a very good starting point. If YOU feel that something unique would be better, then you are probably right. Provided that it doesn't offend (and, as far as possible, we would make sure that it didn't), there's no reason why elements from different Faiths can't be incorporated. For example, for a young person who had travelled widely in India, but came from a Methodist upbringing it might be very appropriate to include readings or prayers from Hindu as well as Christian Faiths. Perhaps, the person had a strong interest in mysticism or practised spiritually-based activities, such as Yoga, Karate, aromatherapy or Reiki. If so, their service(s) can draw on these elements too.
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... I want their friends to share in the funeral, but don't feel they will if the service is based on our original Faith. |
You might be surprised how important people feel it is to attend regardless of their own views. But it sounds as though you have a very specific concern. Why not give me a call to discuss what's worrying you? If there are important differences to be addressed, then now is the time to do so. Difficult though it might be to believe this now, the death of someone special can be a healing time for many relationships.
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... we know they wouldn't have wanted a cremation. |
Nowadays, there are plenty of alternatives. While some churches don't have burial space, there are both civic and private burial sites, often in beautiful places. You can contact them direct and will find the administrators well versed in how to go about a committal there. Most ministers of specific faiths will be happy to conduct the committal there, usually following a ceremony in their place of worship. They will usually have a set form of words for these circumstances as the land is probably not consecrated by their 'church'. If, on the other hand, you feel an interfaith minister might be able to create something original and in keeping with your preferences, then give me a call.
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... we held on to the ashes for a long time, but feel ready to scatter them somewhere special. |
Lots of people like to do this. They just feel the time is right. Maybe they'd like to place the ashes beneath a new tree and have waited for the right season, or have fond memories of somewhere special, such as a popular holiday place, at a particular time of year. They might not have been able to get many relatives and friends together for the cremation and now want to hold a suitable party. Some people like to do this alone, while others would like some help, deciding what to do or perhaps have a suitable blessing said. Such things don't have to be sombre affairs - it's perfectly OK for a minister to give a blessing as part of a celebration. Obviously this is a unique situation though, so why not call me and we'll talk over your plans, whether you need a minister present or not.
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... we want to include their friends and colleagues from work, but the family home is a long way for them to travel. |
Then it might be right to consider a small family funeral near your home and a larger memorial service nearer the friends and colleagues. It is usually possible to find somewhere suitable (I'll do my best to help you if I can) near the friends and colleagues. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to learn more about this aspect of their life and their friendships - and time can be given for people to contribute however they feel would be right.
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I'd like to say how I want my own funeral to be and include this in my will... |
It might not be such a good idea to actually include your funeral wishes in the will itself as situations change dramatically over time and something that seemed reasonable today might not in many years time. A solicitor can best advise on this. More often, people draw up a note of their preferences, and attach it with their will - perhaps giving copies to their executors for safe keeping. If you would like the opportunity to talk through your ideas, then give me a call. |
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I've tried to cover as many issues as I can, but there's bound to be a lot that I've not mentioned - I really am very happy to talk over anything, or any thoughts that you have. My number is on the 'contact me' page. |
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